I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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