I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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