Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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