i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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