fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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