i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize