Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
