Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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