You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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