I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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