Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
