Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
