just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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