i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
