Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
