Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
this beer tastes like vomit already
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
