I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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