i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
lol hangovers are for mortals.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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