My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
