Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
