You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
