I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
