the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
did i just pee glitter
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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