yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize