Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
