Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize