last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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