Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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