so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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