just tell him i said nine months
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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