last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize