can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
