1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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