I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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