you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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