She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
