i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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