We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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