Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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