why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
