i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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