when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
