you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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