She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
