I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just invented taco cereal.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
