I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Randomize
