It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
