I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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