I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
