No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
