His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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