His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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