he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
