you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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