I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
