Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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