I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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