did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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