if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
