She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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