its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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