I will die if light touches me.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
