I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
