I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize