The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize