i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize