And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
