I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
